Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Day 81-Tuesday: Growing Pains

I really should be working on one of the two papers I have due next week, but I feel I need to get something off my chest that's been bothering me for a while, and after all, that's a big reason I started this blog. So here goes...

We all know I love watching The Biggest Loser. Do I necessarily with the idea of weight loss as competition? Not necessarily, but I find watching the show inspirational, and I like it. But that's not what I want to talk about. Last week, one of the contestants, Irene, who is currently in the lead on the show, sat down with Jillian and talked about self confidence. And it got me thinking about where my self confidence is. This thought process continued throughout the week and through this week's episode as well which was makeover week. Now here's where my thoughts come in.

I have never felt beautiful. I've always been overweight, out-of-shape, and though I know weight doesn't determine beauty, I don't *feel* beautiful. Let me make it clear, I'm not writing this to throw a pity party, nor am I fishing for compliments, I'm just telling how I feel.

I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty either.

And the thing is, since my highest point, I've lost almost 40 pounds. I see my clothes getting bigger, I feel physically different when I'm active, but emotionally-I feel the same. I see that same girl when I look in the mirror. And I put forth almost no effort when it comes to make-up, hair, etc.

And my question is, why?

The main reason has been because I've felt there's no point-whether I put forth the effort or not, I didn't feel attractive. But I'm not sure if that's the case still. I know I'm getting thinner, healthier, and becoming the person I want to be...but there are still growing pains.

I don't have a solution right now, and I think it's good I'm working through these things, because I don't expect to feel different over night.

But maybe, just maybe, I'll wake up a little earlier tomorrow, do something with my hair, put in my contacts, and a bit of makeup. Not for anyone else, but for me.

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